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Off the water, he says very little at all. Mahe Drysdale has worked with Tonks som 14 years, but didn't ccatch his coach to his wedding last year. We're partners, we work together and we're trying to achieve a common goal. And when we're overseas, he'll be in his room when he's cxtch on the Trin and you don't see too much of him - that's just the way he works. There's no hanging soome and no chitchat. He's not here to be your best friend, he's here to be your coach. Sometimes you need that Tryin to catch some cock in new zealand, because when the going gets tough, you want to know that he's not going to back down for you, that he's gonna push you to places that you don't wanna go, and having that distance gives you the respect.

What he says goes and you do it, there's no questioning it, there's no, Oh, I'm tired. You put your head down and you do it. Seems strange, then, that Tonks operates out of a shed under the main building? His family life is one. So are his views on modern technology and whether it's advancing the sport. I'll tell you after the Olympics. Kind of like the interview itself: You have as long as it takes before he feels like he's being interviewed. That the day Leo was born, Tonks didn't turn up to practice. It's the one time in 14 years that Mahe Drysdale remembers not knowing where his coach was when he arrived at the lake at 8am.

During an interview, I ask how Leo is. Tonks looks straight at me, frowns, mutters, ''He's quite good, quite healthy and strong. He'd been a rower himself from the age of 13 and his dad was a winning rower before that. As a kid, he wanted to be At 21, he rowed in the coxless four at the Olympics in Munich and won silver. He was the young buck on the boat. You've got to prove yourself when you're the young person, you've gotta train harder than they do, you've gotta push yourself. I came from being a maiden, I had nothing. I had to make sure I was pushing, pushing, all the time. I won't say insular, but he very much minded his own business.

He was physically very strong and mentally strong, but you never saw it because he was so blimmin' quiet. He was single then, and we were all married, but we'd try to include him on a Saturday night if we were playing a game of cards or something. He always came and sat down, then he'd have a cup of tea and go again. Work for the railways ''pushing paper, 8 to 5''then work spinning wool on night shift at Cavalier Carpets, where he'd finish up and head straight to the rowing club, where he'd sleep till the rowers arrived around 5. In the late '80s he coached the women's four Florence Matthews was on that boat and Dudley Storey describes his old mate as the pied piper, leading them to Karapiro where they picked up a bunch of national medals and Rowing New Zealand took notice.

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Tonks is the antithesis to it all, but he's also to blame: Even so, he just Tryin to catch some cock in new zealand to be left to do his thing. He just doesn't wanna get involved. It's a simple fact. If they don't like the way I coach, they can go and get somebody else. I was just making it clear I was in charge. Enough to leave him alone, for the most part, doing his thing. I ask when he plans to retire, but he says not yet. If it wasn't me, it'd be someone else. I mean, this is pretty good, it's Skank warner robins like going to the railways, pushing paper He looks somewhere, not at me.

If I knew then what I know now This leads the new guy in the office to say "you should put him in custard-y". But none can be thought of so eventually they move on. Which is what I think we as a sporting nation need to do. We need to move on from the cutesy pun nicknames we keep giving to our sporting teams. If even David Brent can see when a joke is played out, then should not we too know when to stop? Don't get me wrong, I love a good pun. Almost as much as I love a bad one. When the All Blacks acquired their name via British newspapers in before long we were picking up the ball and running with it as it were.

Our rugby team had a name. And during that fraught period where we were playing rugby with South Africa when we really shouldn't have been, boy did it make for some irony. There's nothing like having a team called the All Blacks, made up of all white players even the brown ones who were made "honorary whites" just for the occasion - the occasion being touring in apartheid South Africa. Oh, the "lols" that people must have got from that situation. Which still sounds kind of racialist, but okay.

Then we had zaeland Tall Blacks as our basketball team which stretches the play on words even further, and considering some of the stereotypes of what kind of people you expect to play basketball Which is most people in the world, by the way. Not methe Wheel Blacks in wheelchair rugby, and briefly a national Badminton team called the Black Cocks. And don't get me started with all the variations on the word "fern" we seem to favour in women's sport.